Once Humble JET Now Douchebag Snowboarder
BANDAI—Only weeks into his snowboarding career, reports have surfaced that, after landing his first allegedly successful jump, the usually humble Brent Barron has become an “intolerable douche”.
According to friends, Barron, an Assistant Language Teacher (ALT) living on the coast of Fukushima Prefecture, was an eager beginner on the slopes and a fast learner, already carving by the end of his first weekend.
“Everything was going great,” said fellow boarder and ALT Emma Gibson. “We were having fun, and I was doing my best to teach him the ropes. I told him he was a natural, but, looking back, I really wish I hadn’t petted his ego so early on. BIG mistake.”
When Barron went missing for over an hour, friends began to worry, especially after telling those creepy Yeti stories they had drunkenly joked about the night before. But all seemed fine when Barron met up with his friends later halfway down an intermediate level course.
“Oh my god you guys, like, you should have seen…I mean, man, it was just, WOW,” Barron reportedly said with a smug grin. “There was this jump and I, well, it was…well I smashed it! You just had to be there because, like, holy crap guys! So I came down all—WHOOSH!—and, like, it was—BAM—and everyone was like—OHMIGAWD!”
According to another ALT friend, Mark Noizumi, the initial relief of finding Barron quickly turned into a nightmare no one could wake up from.
“We were glad he hadn’t been eaten by a mountain Yeti, or worse, but twenty minutes later he was still talking about this supposed jump he did,” Noizumi said. “He just would not shut up and of course it was the one day I left home without my duct tape.”
The group took another run down the slope together, trying to lighten the mood with a Lady Gaga sing-along, but Barron’s insufferable attitude only grew more grating according to Gibson, who said she found herself wishing he would accidentally careen off the edge of the mountain, severely maim himself, maybe break a few bones, and learn a valuable lesson about humility along the way.
“He was trying to give us tips and correcting our mistakes,” she said, adding that he was still falling over way more than anyone else and in no place to be acting like an ass. “We were all so worried about him when we got separated, but by the end of the day I had such a headache I was wishing he had just stayed lost.”
Sources said at dinner the self-fellating continued to even more nauseating degrees, so much so that Noizumi said he had trouble not vomiting up his food.
“The jump Brent did that no one saw was at least three times as big as it was the first time he told us about it,” Noizumi said. “Then he used some of our garlic toast and mashed potatoes to re-enact the jump, and he did it at least twenty times. Twenty. Times.”
“It was just awful,” Added Gibson who reportedly cracked during dinner and reached across the table to bitch slap the cockiness right out of Barron. “It hardly fazed him. He’d become unstoppable. A monster.”
“That’s why we got up in the middle of the night and checked out early,” Noizumi said. “We couldn’t stand the thought of a four hour drive together with him. There just wasn’t room in the car for us and his massively swollen head, so we left him behind.”
Barron quietly returned home on his own the following day to annoy other ALTs and co-workers with his greatly exaggerated tale.
“I used like Barron,” said Masaki Endo, an English teacher at the junior high school where Barron works. “Now, he is always talking about snowboard. Even in class, he talks about it and shows videos of him doing jumps, but I think it is video from the Winter Olympics, not Barron.”
Barron has reportedly not been invited to work or social functions recently and has begun talking to an army of anime action figures in his apartment.
“If that’s true, I feel bad for the figurines,” said Gibson, who months later can still not eat toast or potatoes without bursting into tears. “They probably want to blow their little, plastic heads off.”
When asked directly about the situation, Barron would only drone on and on about the “legendary jump”, and for the sake of our readers, we will not re-print the thirty-seven page transcript.
JET Who Always Brags About Not Working, Not Actually a JET!
THE MIZ–Shocking news was discovered today in Minamiaizu (a.k.a. “The Miz”), when it was discovered that supposed ALT, Mark Noizumi, is actually not a JET. He actually isn’t even an ALT at all. Suspicion was raised when Mark frequently boasted about never working. Commonly seen by other JETs were facebook status updates about him skipping school and snowboarding or going on frequent trips gallivanting off to Tokyo and other places during his alleged “working from home” hours.
“I always just thought Mark liked to brag a lot about not having to work,” said Aizu JET Jen Wcisel, “and in the back of my mind, yes, something did seem a little off. I mean we all have the same jobs out here; who really gets that much time off?”
The scandal is still unfolding, but initial reports show that Mark Noizumi just showed up at Tokyo Orientation and began pretending to be a JET heading to Fukushima.
“I guess we should have checked the roster more carefully,” said former FUJET vice-president, Gemma Villanueva, “but honestly, who just shows up and pretends to be a JET? Why would someone do that? It’s really weird”.
Even more puzzling is the Minamiaizu Board of Education’s big error in giving Mark, a house, a paycheck, and even a car. “There have always been six ALTs in Minamiaizu… but suddenly this year there were seven” said local Area Support Leader Anton Cao. “I attribute it to the language barrier. The BOE generally has trouble communicating with the ALTs out here. I guess everyone just assumed that someone else knew what was going on.”
The JET community is still stunned. “Apparently, Mark just came here to collect a paycheck, snowboard and hit on Fukushima JET women at parties” said Yubuki JET, Betsy Anderson. “I can’t believe we fell for it.”
Some JETs expressed joy at the news. Koriyama JET, Joshua Tweedy (a.k.a. Rokan) estimates that with Mark no longer harassing JET women at Fukushima JET parties, the overall face time other guys will get with women will increase at least 5%. He then announced: “A new era begins today! The era of Rokan!”
More shocking though, was the discovery of Mark’s latest and more insidious plan to infiltrate the highest echelons of FUJET leadership. Recently, Mark Noizumi, was elected as Treasurer of FUJET.
“Apparently”, said FUJET president Liz Leigh, “Mark had a plan to plunder the vast riches that FUJET has acquired over the years. We are talking about riches beyond imagination. Why do you think Gemma and Matt lived so well last year? They are now set for life. Soon enough, Cathy and I will be too.” She then added: “I don’t think anyone gets that” before bursting into strangely maniacal laughter.
Well, Mark did. Fortunately though, his nefarious plan has been stopped.
As this story unfolds, Mark has now holed himself up in his Minamiaizu apartment with alleged hostages. Minutes ago, he reportedly shouted out the window at Fukushima PA, Billy McMIchael, “You’ll never take me alive Billy!”
“I don’t know why he took hostages or is hiding in his apartment” Billy told reporters. “I mean, I think the worst case here, is just that they are going to take away his apartment and paycheck. But, I mean someone who is capable of doing what Mark has done so far, well, I guess they are capable of doing a lot of crazy things.”
At the time of reporting, the known hostages were JETs, Michael Moffat and Craig Barrett.
“We aren’t super worried” added McMichaels. “Luckily Craig and Moff are probably the two most replaceable JETs in Fukushima. If Mark were thinking more clearly, he probably could have taken better hostages. For example if he had taken someone worshiped and idolized like Brent Stirling or someone as sexy as former FUJET treasurer John Au Young, we might actually be negotiating for their safe return. Luckily neither of them would be caught dead in the Miz. So for now, we are just going to go have lunch and see what happens.”
Kitakata JET, Tiffany Jenkins, added this final thought on Mark. “I used to think he was a moderately interesting JET who hit on way too many girls. But I guess in reality, he’s just some creepy dude who keeps showing up at JET functions. Hmmmm. Actually, now that I think about it, I guess that was my thought about him before discovering all of this.”
Once Humble JET Now Douchebag Snowboarder by Brent Barron
JET Who Always Brags About Not Working, Not Actually a JET! by Mark Noizumi
